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Monthly Archives: May 2012

National BBQ Day

I grew up on the Jersey Shore. That is to say, I grew up “down the shore.” Memorial Day weekend usually marked the beginning of the madness we knew as summer. My small beach towns population multiplied on a daily basis by at least 4. On the weekends it was easily by 10. Sitting on our front porch, we could see people walk to the beach, walk home, walk back to the beach night clubs, and stumble home. There were few open parking spaces on the streets and avenues.  We had a big backyard and it could be accessed from the driveway, so we always had a place to park. 

Memorial day meant, for the locals, that we would usually leave the beach, and head a little farther inland. We would escape the ruckus and go to a BBQ. It was a time honored tradition. It usually meant lots of exposed tattoos, lots of cursing and some beers. The adults, I was told, had a good time too. There were few major wars in the 80’s -Iran Contra didn’t really count for some reason except to try to fry Reagan. The adults who knew Viet Nam, didn’t discuss it much, as far as I knew. Volleyball and manhunt were the order of the day. 

Come to think of it, we played a game called “Smear the Queer.” I mentioned it the other day during a game of RISK. I said I was getting smeared…like a queer. My friend Steve laughed, both our wives had a combined reaction of disapproval, confusion and curiosity. I asked Steve if he had remembered that game and he said yes. We both said, “Smear the queer,” in our best tough childhood boy affectations. My wife was aghast that it was a game. We are both Conservative Hippies, and are adimantly pro-marriage FOR ALL LEGAL CITIZENS. We don’t even seperate the issue into gay or straight. 

I explained it was game of football, guts and violence, having nothing to do with homosexuals. If the ball was thrown in the air, whomever it landed near had to obtain it, or catch it. This made him, or her The Queer.  It was the job of the rest of us to tackle the person while he tried his best to avoid the full on smear. If you purposely avoided the football, you were Queer for sure. The ladies were relieved that amongst the rest of our defects, we were not, nor had been gay-bashers in our childhood.

I digress. Lots of games were played, lots of food was eaten, lots of eyes turned red from over chlorinated pools. Chlorine: lets swim in a solution of it.  None of these activities are distractions from the meaning of the holiday. Memorial day and the frivolities are the point. I am not discounting the dead, far from it. I honor them, completely and without reservation.

When I was a kid down the shore. One of my very best friends was Jim M. We would play Army a lot. I wanted to be a 4 star general, Kevin and Joe were usually in the middle ranks. Jim never assigned himself a rank, he assigned himself a duty, M.P. He always played M.P. He grew up and became and M.P. He spent the last 6 years in Iraq as an M.P. Just for the record, in Catholic school he was also voted Class Clown while I got Most in Trouble. Jim’s sister, two little brothers, and cousin are all military. JIm is alive and as well as can be expected, reasonably content like the rest of us.

In high School I was an acquaintence, friend but not real close, with a guy named Floyd.  He was a friend of a friend. Floyd was a wrestler and a Homecoming Court attendee, he played football and had a pretty girlfriend. I remember we were told explicitly not to wear shorts under our graduation gowns because it was disrespectful. Not only did he wear shorts, he lifted his gown for all of the school and attendees to see, right before he shook our principles hand. Iit was kind of a big deal.  Years later I reconnected with the people with whom I went to HS, via FB. I was happy to have made a lot more connection in adulthood than I had  in the 90’s with people from that school. Floyd had become a Marine. He looked as bad ass in that uniform as anyone could. After fulfilling his duty, he opted for another term. GySgt Floyd Holley went back a third time. Go Greyhounds.

It was my friend, Jim who reminded me to think of the Floyd soldiers this year. I am always appreciative of everything every soldier has done, and still hold a small bit of shame. I sat outside a recruiters office in 2001 without the guts to go in. Maybe a rash decision to join isn’t the best way to make that big step and a deeper sense of commitment is necessary and that was God’s way of keeping me for some other purpose. I rationalized it in a bunch of ways, believe me. 

Memorial Day is for the dead soldiers. I used Veterans Day to honor the ones who are still alive. I use every day to make sure that neither of their service was in vain. The Conservative Hippy ought not waste a day in self-seeking and pious or wasteful frivolities for that reason alone. Conservative Hippyism believes that spending an afternoon with loved ones, recreating and relaxing is not blasphemous on these days of remembrance. It is exactly what the soldiers and Veterans put their life on the line for us to do. Conservative Hippyism teaches that some special recognition be paid to dead soldiers on this day, and entire weekend, but not in piety and self-reflective ways, to shine a light on one’s own sense of righteousness under the guise of right and just patriotism. Furthermore, it teaches that remembering these soldiers is a daily event, reflected not in the car-bumper-magnet-ribbons, campaign ads, or chest pounding political arguments. Honor and respect is best reflected in the ways we uphold in our daily lives the principles for which these soldiers went to war.

 

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Kim Jong Il Death Leaves Vacuum in Crazy Evil Villian Community.

 

Kim Jong Il Death Leaves Vacuum in Crazy Evil Villian Community.

 

Birds of a feather: Legendary villians gather for “Dear Leader’s” death

 

PYONGYANG- The flag of North Korea is at half mass, mourning the death of their “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il. The same holds for the flags of Latveria, ruled by Victor Von Doom and Skeletor’s Castle in Eternia. In fact the celebrities who formally declared their mourning were numerous and sundry, and all completely out of their minds. The planets largest collector of pornography (Bin Laden a close second), and the architect behind the empty city just north of the DMZ was officially declared dead.

 

Conservative Hippyism’s Korean Peninsula desk was inundated by calls after the announcement. According to correspondent, Jeet Kun Do, no less than a dozen of the most respected and feared and evil genius leaders and despots called to offer comments and condolences. Conservative Hippyism has exclusive content from these internationally recognized personalities. A special release will be coming soon.

 

Political analysts are not sure who will fill the void left by “Dear Leader” and many are assuming that is the reason for the sudden outpour of support and condolences from these notable criminal masterminds.

 

A wreath was sent with an accompanying card by The Galactic Empire of the Sith.; The Pride of Bad Lions led by Scar from the Lion King gathered around the family home and after feeding on some of the locals, offered some of the smaller lions as rugs. The Joker, Lex Luthor and Darkseid ruler of Apokolips have all visited the home of the Kim family, (Jong Il Family?) and according to onlookers, offering many different bribes in return for a shot at the crown. Professor Moriarty, noted trickster and necromancer seems to have won the most favor with the interim government, and emerged from the family palace with no witnesses having remembered him ever arriving. Oddly, the Arrival of 80’s teen star Corey Haim has yet to be explained.

 

“The official cause of death,” announced royal family practitioner Dr. Evil, “is not auto-erotic asphyxiation, not that anyone asked, throw me a frikkin bone here, ask the question.”

 

The circle of fame aside, the account of Kim Jong Il’s death has not been publicized, yet.

Our own Jeet Kun Do will be reporting back as soon as the details have been produced, and spoon fed to the press.

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

Black History Month Tragedy

Black History Month Tragedy, Suspected African American Whitney Houston Dies
by Con Hippy BEVERLY HILLS— The “Prom Queen of Soul” has died. Exact time or day of the death are foggy. Reports of a skinny blonde woman who had OD’d in a hotel room unfortunately were too common to bring police, paparazzi and paramedics
any sooner. According to the Beverly Hills PD, Ms. Houston was late for a cocktail party, and that spurned on concern from close friends and an immediate APB was issued. It was another two hours before two and two were put together.
Unsure of the cause of death, the LA County Coroner’s Office has just it ruled a “foreseeable, if not overdue death.” There are already plans in the black community to create a holiday in Black History month, most likely on the 29th. “We don’t want to have to hear that Bodyguard song every fuckin year,” JoHanna MiChell’e Jackson-Brown, Chair to the Black History Month Organizing Committee, told The Fancy, “bad enough Titanic is being re-released and we gotta hear that Celine Dion shit again.”
President Obama told reporters, “Ms Houston was a great influence on my political life, I wanna Dance with Somebody was the first song I snapped my fingers to as a boy. And uhm, uhm, uh, I Sang You’re All the Man That I Need to Joey, uh Vice President Biden, when I asked him to be my Veep.” A teary-eyed president tried to remain strong but left the press corps room, shortly after the announcement of the death.
E! has announced on its website that it will immediately start re-running episodes of Being Bobby Brown, around the clock while TBS has already begun the Bodyguard Marathon.
A private viewing for Chaka Khan, Dolly Parton, George Benson, and Annie Lennox, (author’s of I’m Every Woman, I Will Always Love You, Greatest Love of All, and Step by Step respectively) will occur his week, leftovers will be served on the weekend.

 

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

The Monkey on My Back(yard)

Not so long ago. I walked into my kitchen and looked out the picture windows and saw monkey climbing a tree in my backyard. I originally approached the windows checking my herbs to see if they needed water. Just for the record none of those herbs were mind altering, just cilantro, Thai basil, and dill.

The monkey was a yellowish brown and was hugging the tree about 15 feet up from the ground. It was a palm tree and was very much the same color as that tree. Before I could grab a camera jumped into the vast woods behind my house and literally just disappeared.

I grabbed my phone and left a message for my wife. The text read, “I swear to God I just saw monkey in our backyard.” I then opened Facebook and copied and pasted that text as my status. I got a bunch of responses referring to the movie Outbreak and asking me if I had fallen off the wagon. A few minutes later I heard a helicopter circling my house, my neighborhood, and hovering above the woods which make up a preserve adjacent to my backyard.

I had envisioned myself grabbing two big branches, wrapping them in oil soaked cloth and flagging down the helicopter and letting them know that I had the piece of information for which it was looking. A few minutes later I got dressed, left the house and right around the corner was a news van. A man was knocking on my neighbors’ doors. I decided that I should give him the information that I had. I rolled down my window and yelled to the man, “Hey, are you looking for a monkey?” The news man began to pant. He asked me if I wanted to be interviewed. I said, “Sure, I have a few minutes.” I got out of my car and stood on the front lawn of one of my neighbors.

The plan was simple I was to pretend like this was my house so that the man and the van and the camera jockey didn’t have to go much farther down the road.

We had the interview. I talked about the monkey I saw, pointed to a tree in somebody else’s backyard, and explained how it all went down-pretending that it was my backyard. He kept on prodding me, asked me to comment on my fears about disease and attack, and I said no. I decided that if there were a monkey living in my woods behind my house that that’s where it should stay and I wouldn’t try to hurt it or chase it or capture it.

The interview was fun, but I couldn’t help looking at the correspondent and thinking that he was in drag. Clearly he had on a lot of makeup. However, he had 5 o’clock shadow underneath the makeup. Something about it was just creepy. What news channel was I going to be on?

My wife found the previous monkey story on the Internet and it sent me the link. I, in turn posted that link on Facebook for my detractors to swallow. this’ll show you, I don’t make up stories about monkeys. furthermore the news man told me that the footage they just taped will be broadcast at about 5 o’clock 6 o’clock and 11 o’clock because it was too close to noon for them to make that feed. They asked me if I were going to be home that afternoon, because they would like to take some footage of my backyard where the incident had taken place. I told them I was leaving and wouldn’t be back for a while but that they were welcome to go back there and tape whatever they’d like.

I left, with a small sense of adventure. I found out later that day that there is apparently a whole tribe, or herd, or colony of monkeys not too far away from where I live in Winter Springs, Florida. The urban legend, perhaps it’s completely true, is a jungle movie had been filmed in old Florida and some monkeys were needed to make that movie. Not all the monkeys were collected. This lone monkey may have been a renegade from that tribe.

Later that night as my wife and I lie in bed we decide to look up the news channel’s website and see if the story had been broadcast. We found the story and put a link to the video feed on Facebook for everyone to see. It was about a five second cut of me talking and pointing at somebody else’s house, and a long sweeping cut of my backyard, the scene of the visitation. What I liked best about it, was that my son’s giant trampoline and my wife’s compost tumbler were both in the shot. Hilarity ensued.
The very next day as I was cleaning out my garage’s the Rocky Horror news anchor pulled up – oddly enough – in his own car and got out eating an apple. The news van parked on the other side of the cul-de-sac in which I live. He approached me in my driveway and said, “We’re back, another day. ”
I asked if he needed to shoot more footage of my backyard, and if he would like to do the time warp again, he said no to both. He then told me that one of my neighbors ratted out another one of my neighbors for putting bananas out on his fence to attract the monkey.

There was a small sense of elation as I figure that my neighbors were now trying to be like me. But they couldn’t. They could try to attract the attention. The attention had chosen my backyard not theirs. Then I realized how childish I was And continued to clean out my garage. Not before I took a picture of the news van in front of my neighbors house and posted on Facebook with a slightly disparaging caption. Something about a Jabroni.

Conservative Hippyism teaches that something wild like a monkey,should not be that big of a news item in this world. I guess I should be grateful that there is no crazy things happening in my neighborhood, no neighborhood watchmen killed anybody or anything. Although I did consider starting a movement and making everyone in my neighborhood, surrounding neighborhoods, the greater Orlando area, all of the Southeast, and as much of America as I could get in touch with, start wearing monkey suits and demand that the small rhesus monkey be left alone and not persecuted for trying to be an original. Possibly we could start a fund for it. When the fund ran out of money we could create a viral YouTube video, “Monkey 2012. ” and even though that monkey is gone with the wind, never to be found, and the issue is long over with, we’ll see how much money we can raise all in the name of awareness and justice for fugitives.

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Veep Biden on Central American Drug Fact Finding Mission: Results Varied

Veep Biden on Central American Drug Fact Finding Mission: Results Varied

By Con Hippy TEGUCIGALPA, HONDURAS—Vice President, Joe Biden, is on a fact-finding tour of Mexico and Honduras to investigate the use, sale , and distribution of illicit narcotics. So far, no direct contact has been made and the congressional committee funding the mission reports the trips budget has been blown. The Veep’s whereabouts are known, it seems he simply won’t come to the phone, and has only been photographed eating.

The suspicious trip was launched after a rumored email of a 4/20 party in the Senate Chambers began circulation. Biden announced he needed to, “…examine our drug policy and see if there is any new schwag, or reasons to change it regarding the icky sticky jungle, that is,Mexico and Central America.” The fact finding mission includes stops in Cozumel,Tijuana, and Acapulco,Mexico. The last stop will include a brunch with Pres. Calderon, where the two are slated to discuss weaknesses in the border fence-line and possible smuggling routes from Mexico to Rhode Island.

Other trips stops include La Cieba, and Roatan,Honduras, with one curious stay over on an old pineapple plantation with its own landing strip in the tiny town of Omoa.

“This last one may be the most crucial. The party wants to know where it can land a plane safely, in case of an emergency. So we are going to stay the night,” Biden’s Honduran attaché, Ruby Rapalo, told Conservative Hippyism

Just what facts the traveling party are finding is still anyone’s guess. Much of the days have had little activity to observe by the press. Sleeping in, small breakfasts and lounging at pools and beaches have been the only pictures released. Most of the nights, however,  have been very active.

According to Vice Presidential Press Corp CH representative, Sandra Dee McConnor, “The beach houses have been well lit, very active and crowded with interns and what are being called, ‘local narcotic specialists.’ We can’t get in at night due to large men with guns. We are told that the sensitive nature of the fact finding mission is for ‘serous dudes’ only. I tried to use my Freedom of the Press card, to no avail. I was told, ‘wrong country, go fuck yourself.’”

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

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Socialists Killed the Creative Star

sung to the tune of Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles

Okay, so you don’t have to sing, and I won’t write lyrics here. I was reading a very inspiring excerpt from –Beauty Will Save the World by Gregory Wolfe. In it he speaks of how creativity invites virtue.  The act of creativity, the lessons of learning creativity, and others understanding of our creativity, all invite virtue. It is a compelling argument at the least, and a venomous one at the extreme. Let’s spit some venom, for virtue’s sake

It has become quite evident to me through the teachings of socialism that in order for everyone to be equal, no man or woman should have more than what is due to him by some predetermined order. A basic tenet states that the workers should own the means of production. Who creatively invented the product you are owning and producing? What sense of reward, materialistic or spiritual does one receive for creatively inventing something that he will be striped of for the greater society? History shows that this has never been the case, government has always owned it. In the name of compassion and love, government has owned the means of production, ahem-GM-, for the workers.

Creativity perishes. Creativity allows, ensures, demands that one person be very different from another and express himself thusly. A socialist state would deny that creativity unless it only serves the purposes of the greater good and the great society, basically prescribing and defining what is acceptable and what is not. Yes it does. It always has.

I will say that I do like a good socialist realism poster, very creative, and sends a strong clear message. It usually only requires a few colors too: Red and……One thing they have going for them is the ability to produce really effective propaganda. They’ll even redefine words if need be, I ran across a blog that redefines public infrastructure (water, sewers, and rec centers) as examples of socialist success that has not interfered with our economy and has become acceptable. Redefining things in terms of acceptable examples, then makes it hard to argue against it when the real monster arrives. Shit, baby pumas are cuddly and cute as all get out, (whatever that means, a lot, I think) but when the real deal comes a long, should we forget that they will rip your face off as easily as root through your garbage?

You should see how it redefined fascism.

The Conservative Hippy knows that nature abhors suicide. No plant or animal has succeeded by not changing and adapting creatively, or killing itself. This is creativity. It is nature’s way, and the state of humankind when it is allowed to flourish without the direction of a governmental power, without whom he will perish, since it now owns the means of production in that state. I was told recently that all conservatives are “backwards thinkin dogshit.” Simply not true, we are far more creative than that, too bad he wasn’t. With the exception of the backward thinking dogshitters who want to exclude homos (is that still a bad term?) from the same privileges of marriage, while claiming religeous rights to reject contraception. I agree with keeping your politics out of my religeon,- the reverse is impossibly by the way- but doesn’t that mean your churches can run and ruin marriages as they see fit, gay or straight? Why do we need a law preventing it?  ( that argument gets its own space, oh wait, the part about all people being created equal already took care of it).

Creativity is not ensuring that all citizens get healthcare whether they want it or not, because the Gubment knows better. that’s lack thereof, lack of the respect for individuality. It’s socialist liberalism that wants to continually stick people categories and put check-boxes next to them, while insisting legal citizenry not be one of them.

Please argue with this so I can write to the point one thing at a time. There are far too many instances to keep on track in one blog.

 

 
 

JP Morgan’s Loss and the Free Market

 

WHy don’t we just have kings and queens again? If we are to assume that the ruling class of politicians no better than the rest of the citizenry, then let’s hail them as monarchs. They are the same fallible human beings as we are. Foe some reason we assume that they have all the answers and it lies in banal debating over regulation. We elect this people to rep[resent our interests, not to prescribe quick fixes for every mistake. Can we talk illness here? Can we seriously talk about a hover parent that decides it is bad for a child to play soccer because they were late getting home once? Soccer was not the issue, tardiness was. Or was it the fact the tight restriction on time, and assumed authority of the babysitter is problem?

How dare a system, which is rarely accountable, decide when and how to hold another system, which is highly accountable, over the fire for losing money, its oooowwwwnnn money. The government loses money all the time, it actually performs with that ideal in mind: keep spending wastefully so we can increase our budget next go-round. This is a power play disguised as a caring and disciplined parent. A parent who thinks band-aids are for bruises while they bleed internally from the bingeing they have been participating in for years.

No Thank you, I’d like the freedom to fail. The freedom to learn from mistakes. The freedom to fall so I know how to get up. I’d like a government who needs a sponsor for their gambling addiction to stay out of my pocket and not preach to me about my spending habits, right or wrong. There are financial safety nets and protective laws. Then there are enablements and entitlements. MOst disgusting are the regulations, which only ensure that Big Brutha gets his slice of the pie, hedging his bets against any situation. If your company is doing well, you owe more taxes to the benevolent gov’t. If you are doing too well, you owe taxes and an apology and community service and entitlements to those who you didn’t even hire. If you cut corners, you owe taxes and fines as well.

If only Washington, Tallahassee, Trenton, Albany, Helena, Atlanta, Austin, Sacramento, and all the other capitols worked the way they demand our companies work. Then They could enter the argument, and try to compete.

 

JP Morgan’s Loss and the Free Market.

via JP Morgan’s Loss and the Free Market.

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

 
 
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