The following is an unedited, unapproved submission to The Washington Fancy: Your Leading Misleading Source for News
By Con “I grew up ‘Down the Shore” Hippy
-Trenton, NJ After a mourning period of 24 hours, during which all government business was shut down, and NJ PBS stations played Woke Up This Morning endlessly for the entire time, Gov Christie (NJ) made a shocking announcement. Adorning sunglasses, a cigar and a black band around his right arm he addressed a crowd outside the State Capital building. Now that acting head of the Soprano Crime Family has died of a surprise heart attack, he would assume the reigns of “Don” and relinquish his governorship and forgo any bid for president in the future.
“It is my duty, and my privilege to lead the family in it’s new direction. Since time immemorial, men have taken after dead men.The King is dead, long live the King. Fahgettaboutit.” A stunned press corp and shocked crowd seemed to laugh the announcement off. According to The Fancy’s North Jersey correspondent and organized crime insider, Joey ‘bag-o-donuts’ Bagadonatti, all in attendance were puzzled. Christie’s announcement comes on the heels of the untimely and sudden death of Actor James Gandolfini, a NJ native – what people call a “Jersey Boy.” He is best known to one generation as the lovable sociopath Anthony Soprano from HBO’s similarly titled award-winning series. A younger generation knows him as the voice of Carol from Where the Wild Things Are. No one seems to remember The Last Castle, Surviving Christmas, Night Falls on Manhattan, or this writer’s personal favorite: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, directed by Clint Eastwood, and Starring John Cusack and Kevin Spacey. Gandolfini played, “Diner Cook #2 (uncredited).”
A few onlookers reportedly mumbled that “…it was just a show, is this guy fuckin’ serious?” Unfortunately none of them were available for comment following the conference. In fact, rumors have been circulating in the newly re-opened shore towns of Belmar and Seaside Heights, that it is to be assumed that Christie is the new acting Boss of the Soprano Family and any remarks to the contrary will be “dealt with.” A canvass of the area by The Fancy only resulted in citizens remarking, “I don’t know nuthin’…I didn’t hear or see nuthin! Fuck ya mutha!”
Calls to the Governor’s mansion have been forwarded to a Pork and Import store in East Orange Twp. All the paparazzi have been able to provide so far is a single photo of the (ex?) governor wading, shirtless in his backyard pool, feeding ducks.