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Category Archives: Too good to be Fancy

Jamie Foxxx Marches for Trayvon Martin, Promises Django style Retribution.

The following is a satire submitted to a paper who won’t print it. You know it’s funny. If you’re offended, jokes on you.
Jamie Foxxx Marches for Trayvon Martin, Promises Django style Retribution.

by ConHippy

ORLANDO, FL– Nearly a year after the shooting death of a teenager near Disney World, actually there is more in Orlando but who cares, actor Jamie Foxxx claims to have “Just heard and wanted to do something.” The same issue that brought Rev.’s Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to Florida last year, has finally attracted the comedian turned actor. It is coincidental that his new movie Django Unchained features Foxxx as a gun wielding bounty hunter who likes hunting white folks for revenge.

According to Foxxx’s spokesman, Harley Brando, “Jamie was touched by the story and hadn’t stopped crying all year. Now that he’s caught his breath, and his last movie kinda bombed, he would like to add his falling star power to the cause.” While in the Central Florida town of Sanford, Foxxx also made pit stops at Blue Springs to feed the Manatee, and participated in Orlando’s Cupid’s Undie Run – a 5k which benefit’s a local hospital. Foxxx didn’t actually run in the race, but did serve as a celebrity undie judge. “ He felt that this run was important and wanted to add his hand and eye power to the underwear cause…” added Brando.

Both the Martin march and and the Undie run brought dozens of people to the streets, and when it was reported that Foxxx would be at both, at least 3 people had a hard time making it across town to get to each event. The Orlando Sentimental reported that one parking lot was full and delays through the Disney area were typical.

The highlight of the weekend was Foxxx’s promise to the Martin Family that he would unleash the gun power he illustrated in Django Unchained on the Zimmerman family. George Zimmerman is the man who pulled the trigger, killing Trayvon Martin. The caveat at the end of Foxxx’s speech was that all the attendees had to order his film from local Redboxes.

Orlando continues to rate safer than a whopping 2% of the nations cities. It’s Violent Crime rate was more than 3 times the national median, but this one death was the breaking point for compassionate celebrities. Thankfully getting killed by a white guy raised the value of Trayvon Martin’s life enough to garner a visit from an In Living Color alum.

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Posted by on February 9, 2013 in Too good to be Fancy

 

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Federal S&P Lawsuit Threat Results in Federal Credit Rating Spike, and Other Coincidences.

by ConHippy

The following is an unedited, unnapproved, and as of press time, unpublished submission to TheWashingtonFancy.com: Your Leading Misleading Source for Politics.Image

Washington, D.C.– The Obama Administration is reveling in the news that the S&P federal credit rating has not only returned to it’s previous high of Triple A (AAA) but upgraded to Fuckin” A! (F’n A!). This comes on the heels of a threat of lawsuit against Standard and Poor’s, the credit ratings firm which downgraded the US debt credit rating. The lawsuit expressly states that, “…a less than perfect credit rating has caused embarrassment, social anxiety, loss of cable and iPhone connectivity, and increased cold calls from debt-consolidation companies. There may be some culpability for the housing meltdown.”

John Checkworthy, of S&P’s Frivolous Law and Catering Division, announced, “ The release of the new F’n A! credit rating has nothing to do with the potential lawsuit. It has nothing to do with the death threats and the spray painting of the word ‘Forward!’ on my car. It is simply a coincidence that our families relocated to a charming resort on the shores of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We returned the Fed to their previous high rating, and created a higher one in direct response to the recent drone activity outside our headquarters…which I’m sure is unrelated.”

According to a press release by the White House, the new rating is being interpreted as “Forward ‘n’ Awesome!” New shirts and stickers and other vitally important political action paraphernalia will be available for purchase directly from Whitehouse.gov/buyintothestory.

In an apparently unrelated story, another credit rating bureau, Doomy’s and Phitch, did not downgrade the nations rating, and has been granted a piece of the moon.

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2013 in Too good to be Fancy, Uncategorized

 

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Obama Admits to Lip Syncing Presidential Oath: Used Prerecorded Swear

The New Normal

Beyonce Obance

The following is an unedited, unapproved, unpublished submission to The Washington Fancy: Your Leading Misleading Source for Politics

Obama Admits to Lip Syncing Presidential Oath: Used Prerecorded Swear
or
Obama, Beyonce take Lip Syncing Tour: Covering Milli Vanilli

By ConHippy

–WASHINGTON D.C. The president has come clean today amidst rumors that his swearing in ceremony was lip synced. In a small press conference, President Obama admitted to mouthing the Oath of the Presidency while the pre recorded version from his last term was played. His detractors claim that this delegitimizes his presidency and demand transcripts, both long and short form. Obama eclipsed Donald Trump’s late announcement to pay ten million dollars for the original MP3, to prove it was fudged.

According to White House intern and Fancy cartoon contributor, Myles Standish, The President went as far as to produce a ventriloquist’s dummy during the last 15 seconds. “We were all very impressed and had just assumed that this was just one more hidden talent he possessed.We just thought it was creepy that the dummy was Joe Biden.” As long as the left hand remained on a book (whether it was the bible or not is another article.) the oath remains legit, regardless of where the right hand was. The crowd noise and applause during the private indoor ceremony had been written off as “general acceptance of the executive popularity at any given time.”

Only after Beyonce’s inauguration-anthem-karaoke was unmasked, did the Pres. feel pressure to come clean. Critics and fans alike hail this as a stand-up thing to do, since the last black duet to deny obvious lip syncing was Milli Vanilli.

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2013 in Too good to be Fancy

 

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VP Biden threatens Executive Order, Jedi mind tricks, and other skills he doesn’t actually possess.

The following is an unapproved, unedited, and as of yet unpublished submission to, The Washington Fancy: you’re leaving the misleading source for politics.
Biden Threatens Executive Order, The Force, Expeliamos, and Air Bending to Confiscate Guns.
by ConHippy

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – VP Biden has come out recently in a strong way against gun ownership. He has threatened to use an executive order (typically reserved for the actual president) and if that doesn’t work, “…we’ll use the Jedi Force, or Hogwart’s Expeliamos, or that cancer patient kids’s Air Bending.” The news was astonishing to the administration’s supporters, even more so to supporters of history, government and the constitution.

It was expected that the Admin. would come out hard , not only against gun violence, but also against ownership in general. What wasn’t expected was the broad use of powers, both real and imagined, would be exercised. According to Haley Komit, the V.P’s personal barrista, “He has been practicing his ‘spells’ and wand-wrist technique in his mochachino foam all week. I keep telling him butter beer is a trademark flavor we don’t sell it here.”

Most pundits on Capitol Hill believe that it is a bluff. They believe that the strong talk is simply security theater. “I don’t think the vice president understands the severity of the topic. I mean using The Force is something that you have to learn to do over a lifetime, then there’s the trials. Do we even know his midichlorian count?” Marcus Mcelheney of DC Jedi Incorporated told The Fancy.

Whether the announcement is just strong talk, or if the vice president does in fact intend to Don the sorting hat and find out to which house to he belongs before learning the art of wizardry and forcing everyone’s hand, making them turn in their guns, Is yet to be seen. However many on Capitol Hill report that the subcommittee discussing the possibility of executive privilege, as hung a sign on their door which reads, “No wands, no blasters, no light sabers, and definitely no droids allowed in subcommittee chambers.”

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Chavez Ill on New Year’s Eve, Cancels 2013 “Until Further Notice.” – Google Drive

Chavez Ill on New Year’s Eve, Cancels 2013 “Until Further Notice.”

by ConHippy

The following is an unedited unapproved submission to The Washington Fancy: Your Leading Misleading Source for Politics

CARACAS, VZ– Venezuelan two-term president, Hugo Chavez has fallen ill to complications of alleged cancer. His illness on the eve of the new year has prompted his administration, at his behest, to cancel 2013, “…until further notice, or until Senor Chavez approves of a luckier number.” a high ranking stooly told the public.

President Chavez has neither addressed his adoring nation nor the world since the announcement. Many close to the president, including The Fancy’s own Vivi el-Esclavo, Venezuelan national and propaganda contributor, speculate that 2013 may never come in the South American country. According to a release by el-Esclavo, “Senor Presidente Chavez was told by his doctors that he may only live a few more months and will not survive 2013. After they took their own lives by firing squad- out of guilt of having broken such bad news- it was decided that Senor Presidente Chavez will just cancel the New Year, and therefor never have to face the prognosis.” There is no word on the fate of 2014, maybe it will be substituted for this ‘13 like the elevator/skyscraper trick. Like the late great comedian Mitch Hedberg said, My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”

 

No 2013 for you!

What, Me Worry?

Millions of currency notes and coins will either be destroyed or restamped. Venezualan 2013 calanders have hit eBay, Craigslist, Art.sy and other collector’s sites, selling for nearly three sheep. What many around the worls had thought would be the final year of existence for the human race, will actually be the longest year ever for Venezuela.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

Boehner Offers Fiscal Cliff No Compromise Plan B, Misses Irony.

Boehner Offers Fiscal Cliff No Compromise Plan B, Misses Irony.

by ConHippy

–WASHINGTON DC House speaker Boehner put his foot down-again, and set a firm-ish ultimatum this week, offering the Administration his second uncompromising fiscal cliff agreement. The differences were a few measly million dollars, and a joint book deal. The first agreement had also been uncompromising, however some ‘further agreements’ had to be made. According to Toby Stevens, The Fancy’s new Fiscal Cliff Special Adviser and Headlines Expert, both proposals include strong language, a harsh tone, and an exchange of cigarette cartons between the two smokers, Obama and Boehner.

There is no word as of press time whether the agreement has been signed, but White House staffers have reported hearing the two men squabble on the Oval Office balcony and comparing butt-flick skills and cherry-streak-distance over the weekend. Speaker Boehner has reportedly given the President ‘…to the count of three…’ to agree to the non-compromise, Plan B. Other tactics the Speaker has attempted include telling the President that if he doesn’t sign, Santa won’t come. There is reportedly even an Elf on the Shelf in the Oval Office.

Obama Boehner

Don’t hold the smoke in so long….it’ll make you dizzy.

According to Better Parenting Magazine Speaker Boehner only has to lash out and actually strike the President  uncontrollably and he will have satisfied the entire list of Worst Mistakes an Adult Makes When Arguing. “He’s already, bribed, lied, lost track of the argument, backed down, played bad cop, modeled rule breaking of his own, and allowed too much response time,” offered Sheldon Brightbelt, BPM Ed. in Chief, “A better option is to create a rule, a logical consequence and follow through.” There has been no response from neither the Speaker, nor the Administrations office’s regarding the comments.

Disclosure: Better Parenting Magazine has subsequently undergone an IRS review, had it’s home office, commandeered under eminent domain law, and its web site was shut down under Patriot Act and RICO law violations.

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

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Ryan Clarifies Marathon-Gate

The following is a submitted, uneditied un published unnapproved article for The Washington Fancy, Your Leading Misleading Source for Politics

Ryan Clarifies Marathon-Gate: I Was Thinking of My Halo 3 Time

By ConHippy

CHICAGO, IL–Rep Paul Ryan, Veep hopeful, clarified his marathon time gaffe this week. Known as an every-man with a questionable Jam Band Hippy streak (as exposed by this paper), Rep. Ryan remarked that the three-hour-mark was actually his Halo 3 finish time. Sitting on the couch playing a game is sometimes referred to as “marathon play.” It was to this marathon that the candidate was referring.

Much of the candidates credibility was injured. According to Lacey Schwartz, 3-time Chicago marathon top 100 place runner, “Paul Ryan is a good man, but can he be qualified for Vice President if he flubs his marathon time? What could be more important to the days issues than that? That’s it, I want a VP who makes less mistakes…I’ll vote for…..Judge Gray?” Many other spurned runner’s have expressed the same feelings. Runner’s Globe Online offered the following responses to just such a posed question:  If he is willing to lie about this? Then what? Pot inhalation, his religion of origin? Or maybe important stuff such as baseball postseason brackets? What’s next?”

Ryan tweeted: “In #Chicago when @Halo3 came out. Played it until I finished. #threehours. I call it my #ChicagoMarathon. Sorry for the #confusion.”

In a  subsequent Skype interview with Washington Fancy Election 2012 and Fitness correspondent, Jonny Ryal, Ryan elaborated. “I know how hard running can be. Your legs cramp, you overheat, you dehydrate, you get a metallic taste in your mouth, sometimes you have to pee while in motion. Every other person, even the guy next to you is trying to out-maneuver you. By the end, you stink and you almost regret it. Marathons can be like that too.”

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2012 in Too good to be Fancy

 

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