The following is a satire submitted to a paper who won’t print it. You know it’s funny. If you’re offended, jokes on you.
Jamie Foxxx Marches for Trayvon Martin, Promises Django style Retribution.
ORLANDO, FL– Nearly a year after the shooting death of a teenager near Disney World, actually there is more in Orlando but who cares, actor Jamie Foxxx claims to have “Just heard and wanted to do something.” The same issue that brought Rev.’s Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to Florida last year, has finally attracted the comedian turned actor. It is coincidental that his new movie Django Unchained features Foxxx as a gun wielding bounty hunter who likes hunting white folks for revenge.
According to Foxxx’s spokesman, Harley Brando, “Jamie was touched by the story and hadn’t stopped crying all year. Now that he’s caught his breath, and his last movie kinda bombed, he would like to add his falling star power to the cause.” While in the Central Florida town of Sanford, Foxxx also made pit stops at Blue Springs to feed the Manatee, and participated in Orlando’s Cupid’s Undie Run – a 5k which benefit’s a local hospital. Foxxx didn’t actually run in the race, but did serve as a celebrity undie judge. “ He felt that this run was important and wanted to add his hand and eye power to the underwear cause…” added Brando.
Both the Martin march and and the Undie run brought dozens of people to the streets, and when it was reported that Foxxx would be at both, at least 3 people had a hard time making it across town to get to each event. The Orlando Sentimental reported that one parking lot was full and delays through the Disney area were typical.
The highlight of the weekend was Foxxx’s promise to the Martin Family that he would unleash the gun power he illustrated in Django Unchained on the Zimmerman family. George Zimmerman is the man who pulled the trigger, killing Trayvon Martin. The caveat at the end of Foxxx’s speech was that all the attendees had to order his film from local Redboxes.
Orlando continues to rate safer than a whopping 2% of the nations cities. It’s Violent Crime rate was more than 3 times the national median, but this one death was the breaking point for compassionate celebrities. Thankfully getting killed by a white guy raised the value of Trayvon Martin’s life enough to garner a visit from an In Living Color alum.